I wrote this last summer(2016). It is the realization that a broken heart never heals if it is walled off from the world.
Mind hacked, heart healed–
Neverminding the madness of the never ending news feed. It arose within me. Awareness of it became its awareness of me. The first few days we danced a deadly dance. Writing. Dancing. Writing. Lost in powers, surging from within. Days pass, dawn becomes familiar. I longed for it’s arrival. Sun rises and sets my day. I do believe I slept.
One, two, maybe three hours of sleep? No, more like rest. Waking rested and energetic, mind alive, thoughts flowing. Writing. Writing. Writing. What am I writing? Surely madness to sane men in an insane world. They will never get this, it is beyond them, they lack the heart to carry these convictions. My mind utters “heart” and my own is arrested and tested for truth.
That was the big lie, wasn’t it? One not in love, could ever know love. It wasn’t there, I couldn’t feel it. Unable to let love live within self- I blame another- it cannot be me. I can love. It is you not me- I can love. That night all shifted. Breaking.
Yet the loss of her- never this and never that again- all the nevers of us together. It broke me, tears, fears- loss of her, losing self. It is not right. Why cry over another that you are not “in love” with? Pity. Pity. Pity. Poor self. And then we talked. BROKEN.
Here it was, at the end of all things us. No turning back. What I seek is out there, out there…somewhere. She was strong, yet she never understood and I was unable to explain. But it wasn’t right- I was breaking. Something was breaking. My heart knew it was wrong, something so wrong, yet the answer eluded me- always eluded me. I knew I was wrong- it was not her. It was I-ME- it was not us. Anguish washes over me, I am at a loss, why? In silence, the answers comes from within- a heart badly broken, twenty plus years prior, never healed. Walled off and safe from ever suffering, but never mended. Heart crushed by first love. Broken, still broken, two decades unable to let love in. The moment I knew it and said it, the wall I built around my heart broke apart and floated off. Healing.
My heart healed fast, her love poured in. years at the walls of my heart, bursting forth like a broken dam. She came back, she never left. She would never quit, her love enough for two, now mixed with my heart and multiplied by infinity. Healed heart, love of self spread to all, especially her, her that freed a broken, walled off heart. Love reborn.
That is not all….