Changes Are a Coming….

Posted on February 2, 2012 by

I just wanted to write a short post about some exciting changes coming to my blog.  For far too long it has been adrift on the sea, rudderless; just floating along, whatever came to mind I would write about.  There was never any direction.  As some of you on Facebook might have noticed I have been posting statuses that start with “The truth is…” I consider these common knowledge things that I am trying to put into my own words and share with others.  I call them fortune cookie wisdom, just little nuggets that if I practice throughout the day help keep my life in balance.  I have decided to extend the idea further with my blog.

I am going to focus on the truth or at least what I consider to be the truth.  Some of you are not going to agree with me, that’s understandable.  With that in mind though, anyone that would like to represent their view on a subject I will gladly open my blog to them (within reason, no racism or hateful thoughts will ever be posted.)  I am not going to claim to always be right, it will just be the truth as I see it on whatever subject I am writing about.  The subjects will range from family, parenting, politics, religion, etc….  I would love your input on what subjects you would like discussed- leave a comment (it is easy and painless, I promise) with suggestions or just post a reply on Facebook.

For the first time, in a long time, I have hope.  I feel inspired, I feel like a heavy fog has finally lifted.  In all likelihood in the next month or two I am going to be kicked off of disability, I should be terrified, I am not.  I had wanted to finish my associates degree before that happened; I am just excited about the fact that something is going to change.  I have lived in a vacuum for ten years, I have been a great father and husband, but I have often been ashamed of who I was a person. NO LONGER!!!  I only see unlimited potential ahead of me; I also see a lot of hard work and I am willing and able to take on all challenges.

The truth is this blog is going to serve to keep me grounded, keep me in balance.  I figure at least one blog a week, if I can’t spend one hour a week writing a blog, what’s the point, right?  As I said, anyone that would like to post something just let me know, I don’t care what the subject is (as long as it isn’t offensive.) The only thing I ask is, if you are willing to write it, you are willing to put your name to it.  I know that can be a scary idea- what will people think? What if I sound stupid? Etc…. Believe me, when I started doing this I was terrified, but then I got some real positive feedback.  I am at the point now that I don’t think much at all in regards to what people think about what I write and my writing has improved because of that.

So either this weekend or early next week look for the first post under the new concept of The Truth Is… I already know what it will about/titled- The Truth is … Family First.  For me family is and always will come first in importance. Until then, thank you for taking the time to read.

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Extra Late Bloomer

Posted on January 11, 2012 by

Aside from being born on my due date, I think I have always been late.  I was late to the party, late to class and of course late to arrive (in every sense of the word.)  So being a late bloomer is not a surprise, though I guess at my age it should be called an extra late bloomer.  I have always had the ability, though at times I might have doubted it.  I just never had the right combination of focus, motivation and desire.  I think I finally have those things in place.  Now it becomes a matter of execution and once I know what must be done I have no problem getting it done.

Focus is the hardest thing for me.  My mind never rests and can get pulled in a hundred different directions if I am not careful.  It has made it difficult at times to finish what I start.  I get a great idea, run with it until I get stuck and then the next great idea takes over and I am off on another wild goose chase.  I think I have that part under control now; focus and perseverance go hand and hand, I had been lacking the perseverance.  My focus right now is on getting a degree and regardless of what life throws at me I will not give in until I have obtained it.

Being properly motivated is not something I always am.  I don’t really know how to change that other than to just do it.  That is what it comes down, not being lazy and doing what has to be done.  No excuses, I just have to hold myself accountable and make sure shit gets done.  That’s all there is to it, no secret, JUST DO IT!!!

Desire is not something I have ever had a problem with, I have plenty of desires.  This, like focus can cause problems- I am going to do this and this and then that and that and so on and so forth.  I desire a degree, so all other desires will have to be sacrificed to make that happen and I am just going to have to accept that.  Most desires are temporary and fleeting at best, while those desires that require the most work are the most rewarding.  It is a short-term verse long-term situation and my desired goal is long-term.

I will keep my desires focused towards the goal, which will keep me motivated. At this point my motivation will be proving to myself and everyone else that I can do it.  I think enough people doubt me now that I feel I have something to prove.  That might sound lame ass, but for me it is a matter of whatever works.  If proving every single person I know wrong is what motivates me, so be it.  If it gets me to accomplish my goal that is all I care about….

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Meeting My Expectations

Posted on January 8, 2012 by

So how have you all been?  It has been quite some time since I have written a blog and I am long overdue to update what I have been up.  In the last blog I wrote Fear of Success  I mentioned that I was finally going to start living up to the expectation that myself and others had.  I was going back to school and I wanted to kick ass this semester.  It took quite a bit just to get into school, I was on deemed ineligible for financial aid, because I had royally screwed up the first semester that I went.  After writing a letter and explaining why my first semester was so awful I was put on probation and was eligible for aid, but I had pressure to be almost perfect to pull my GPA up to passing.

I do tend to thrive under pressure, so I had that going for me, but did I take blow off classes to bring up my average?  Nope!  I took some hard ass classes.  Macroeconomics (by far the hardest class I have ever taken), Consumer Finance, Principles in Management and College Composition.  To further increase the difficulty I took all these classes online.  Do not ever make the mistake of thinking online classes are easier; you are essentially the teacher and the student.  You have a professor that you can ask questions, but you basically teach yourself.  Of the classes I took, if I could do it again I would take Macroeconomics at school, not online.

At the start of the semester the class I feared the most was College Comp., I mean I love writing, but being given a writing assignment can at times kill my love of writing and stifle my creativity.  The first assignment I intentional tanked, I wanted it to seem like I had a lot of room for improvement.  I got a passing grade, but when I got the paper back it was littered with red ink.  Every other paper following that one were A’s including the research paper, suffice to say I got an A in that class.

Consumer Finance and Principles in Management were not easy, but they were not incredibly difficult either.  They were do the reading, take the test classes.  I had to write a three page paper in Principles on anything to do with management and that was no problem.  The tests in both these classes were hard but manageable.  My grades for these classes ended up being A’s.  So far, so good, I am living up to those lofty expectations I had for myself.

Until this semester Accounting had been the hardest class I had ever taken.  Macroeconomics blew Accounting away.  With all the graphs and having to be able to look at economics on a much larger scale, my mind was starting to get blown away after the second week.  The first test I did pretty well though, I was surprised.  The second test I had to go to the school to take the test, because my laptop charger had broken.  I was so distracted, sitting in a computer lab with a hundred other students; I got a 60% on that test.  I instantly went into panic mode, “Oh my god, I am going to fail this class and be kicked out of school.” Thankfully, my wife helped settled me down and I looked at the whole picture and with the homework I was still passing.

In my mind though, I needed and A in all my classes to bring up my GPA to get myself out of probation.  So just passing this class would not be enough.  I talked to the professor and she said that she gave out extra points at the end of the semester, the amount of points depended on how many students actually finished the course.  I did decent on the remaining tests, but had no idea what my final grade would be.  As the semester ended the teacher posted a note on the site that said she was adding 80 points to the overall point total, between homework and tests.  As I said, this class was HARD, and when I saw what the teacher had written I went to course site and was looking at my grades.  At this time I realized I could compare my grades against the class average.  The test I got a 60% on the class average was 33% and all the other tests I was way over the class average.  Those extra 80 points pushed my grade to A-.

My GPA for the semester was a respectable 3.918 and it easily pushed my overall GPA to passing and brought me out of probation.  While I am proud of how well I did this semester there are definitely things I can do to improve in the next semester.  The biggest thing I could improve upon is not waiting until the day a paper is due to actually write it.  Even the research paper, I did the research beforehand but did not even start writing it until the day it was due.  I guess that falls into the better time management category, something I can work in the spring semester.

For now, I will just happy knowing I lived up to, maybe even exceeded my own expectations.  There is room for improvement, but for once I didn’t let myself or anyone else down and that is something I can be proud of!

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An Internet Free From Censorship (SOPA)

Posted on December 28, 2011 by

 Envision a country where the powers that be can take down a website without the least bit provocation, where elected officials raise fears of “overseas pirates” to guard the interest of domestic businesses.  A country that companies like Google must give in to the demands of government censors or risk being shut down.  This is not China, North Korea or Iran being discussed, instead it is the United States of America.  If the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) that was introduced in the House of Representative on October 26th 2011 becomes law these are exactly the type of situations that could occur.  The internet must remain free from censorship and SOPA must not become a law of this free country.

            SOPA would seek to protect the music and movie industries from online piracy, especially from foreign websites.  Current copyright law enforcement allows US officials to shutdown infringing sites within the United States; they are generally unable to shutdown foreign sites. What the law proposes is that the Department of Justice would seek court orders preventing online ad and payment processors for doing business with foreign websites that are under the suspicion of permitting or assisting copyright infringement. The court order could also prevent search engines from linking to suspected infringing sites and order domain name registrars to remove the site and Internet Service Providers (ISP’s) to block subscriber’s right of entry to the website charged with infringing. This could lead to websites being taken off the internet all together and the government should not have the power to do that.

The bill is too sweeping, the big names in showbiz could make any site seem like it were encouraging or capable of copyright infringement.  It could basically shutdown the internet.  A picture of Charlie Brown and his tiny tree placed on a Facebook wall and Facebook could be blocked because ABC lays claim to ownership of Charlie Brown.  It could also turn everyone into hackers.  The bill is meant to counter piracy, but it will not counter it all.  While it might be able to block websites it will not be able to remove the IP address (the numbers associated with a particular website.)  So instead of remembering a websites name, the numeric URL would have to be used to gain access to these sites, much like hackers do.  The internet would become less fun.  Any sites that thought there might be a copyright infringement would just pull the content rather than risk being blocked by the government.  Innovators would be fearful of inadvertently disobeying this law, so would less likely to create the next best thing.  The final thing it does, it puts more power in the hands of those already with the most power.  Those with the copyrights could charge whatever they wanted, there would be little competition.

This law would amount to censorship of the internet and other countries in the global community have spoken out against it.  The European Parliament has adopted a resolution against SOPA.  The resolution stresses the importance of “the need to protect the integrity of the global internet and freedom of communication by refraining from unilateral measures to revoke IP addresses or domain names”. Put in basic terms, the measure in SOPA are too far-reaching, to open to interpretation and the integrity and freedom of the internet will be adversely affected.

This new legislation, if passed, could strike at the heart of the way the internet has been organized.  Sharing, frankness and involvement are at the core of what the internet stands for.  An open internet is preferred over one walled off by government censors.  This legislation, if passed, would lead to a decline in internet innovation.  Many of the benefits and gains mankind has made because of the internet over the past five to ten years could be wiped out with the passage of this bill.

The Stop Online Piracy Act seeks to protect the interest of the movie and music industries by creating a law that allows the Unites States government to aggressively defend their copyright laws.  The law as currently written is far too all-encompassing and the financial gains to these industries would not be worth the amount of potential damage done by censoring the internet.  It will stifle advancement on the internet and turn regular people into internet hackers.  SOPA must not be allowed to pass, if we allow the internet to be censored what will be next?

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The Effects of Globalization on the United States Economy

Posted on December 28, 2011 by

Globalization is the “development of an increasingly integrated global economy marked especially by free trade, free flow of capital, and the tapping of cheaper foreign labor markets.”Globalization has been viewed in both a positive and negative light, within the global community.  The specific effects upon the United State economy have likewise received mixed reviews.  Initially showing benefits in the form of lower cost to consumers, these lower costs themselves came with a price.  More jobs were shifted overseas; companies could save money with lower wages and fewer environmental laws.  Yes, their savings were passed on to the consumer, but fewer people were able buy, many having lost their jobs to the “global economy.”  Globalization has spread to nearly every corner of the world and even more jobs, in the United States, have been lost to lower wage underdeveloped counties.

 The theory is that for every job lost another job in a new field or sector will open.  That has not held true.  While globalization has raised national income, it also has reduced the incomes of most workers. As of October 2011 the unemployment rate was 9.1%and the majority of these were labor jobs that were lost to lower wage unskilled workers in foreign markets.  These workers end up on long-term unemployment as labor jobs in this economy are not being created.  Instead more high-end, professional jobs are being created with less workers being available in this field which drives their wages higher.  This creates even further inequalities between those that have and those that have-not.

            Though the cost of items for consumers fell initially as globalization become more widespread during1990’s in to the early 2000’s, it has since seen demand decrease. This will force less production which creates potential shortages that, in the end, lead to a rise in prices.  It is this point that the United States economy is stuck; high unemployment, prices rising for basic goods and less money left for spending.  As of March 2011, “Food prices already are the highest since the U.N. began keeping track in 1990.” This effects overall spending as there is less money available to buy products that are increasing in price.

            While the economy has added jobs, over one million in 2010, growth has slowed dramatically in the last month with additional job increases barely keeping pace with population growth. This is of little help to the more than fifteen million that are already unemployed. People coming out of college with a four year bachelor’s degrees are finding it difficult to get entry level positions that pay well.  Many companies have begun outsourcing their entry level management jobs to other, more affordable countries, this is called offshoring.  The jobs that are available in this country, the higher paying professional jobs, require experience, experience that is becoming increasingly difficult to get in the United States job market.

            As the inequalities in the United States continue to grow, the result of a vicious spiral: “The rich rent-seekers use their wealth to shape legislation in order to protect and increase their wealth—and their influence.” This has lead to a feeling of helplessness among the vast majority.  The majority have banded together to form protest across the global.  In the United States the Occupy Wall Street movement has taken center stage in protest of globalization.  The occupy Wall Street slogan is “we are the 99%” meaning that the top one percent of the population control forty percent of the total wealth of the country. What started in New York, New York on a Saturday in September has spread across cities throughout the country.

            The initial gain from globalization in the form of lower prices for consumers has since shown itself to be a detriment to the United States economy.  A steady stream of job losses through the outsourcing of jobs to foreign countries, for lower wages, has left the United States with a high rate of employment. With an economy that just is not producing enough jobs in the labor sector to benefit the majority of Americans, the populace is becoming angry and frustrated with the corporate culture.  The system does not need to be scrapped, but it does need to be fixed.  At the current time the balance of power is shifted to the minority who possess more than that of the majority.  The scales of justice always find a way to proper equilibrium and this time will be no different, as power will shift and again be in balance.

 

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Fear Of Success

Posted on August 24, 2011 by

Quite awhile back when I was a young punk ass, know-it-all, I was seventeen at the time, my parents made me go to a drug and alcohol counselor.  They knew I had an alcohol problem and figured I smoked pot; they had no idea how far down the rabbit hole I had gone.   That’s neither here nor there, for now.  I agreed to go so I could get out of working at this horrible job I had at a place that made adhesive bandages (band-aids), it was mind-numbing, tedious work and I hated it.  They called and set up an appointment at a place that specialized in teens with drug and alcohol problems.

After meeting with my counselor a few times to discuss my background (I held nothing back from her, telling her all the different drugs that I had had experiences with) and how the treatment program would proceed she sat me down to give me her evaluation.   She went through all the preliminary bullshit about how these drugs and alcohol were bad and the effects that they can have on an adult’s life, let alone that of a teenager.  Then she got into the more personal aspects of the session. She said that she could tell I had potential (something I had heard over and over and the word still makes me cringe.)  What she said next really blew my mind, she said, “You have a fear of success.”  Knowing me, at that time in my life, I probably answered her with, “What the fuck does that mean?”

I honestly do not remember her answer, but throughout my adult life those words have seemed to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Every time that I have been on the edge of being successful I have done something to sabotage that success.  I cannot say I have knowingly done these things to prevent myself from reaching my true potential.  Yet in looking back I can see how I created the situation that ensured my failure, whether with jobs, school or writing; I have often been the one responsible for my collapse.  As part of my “starting over” this IS the main thing I need to figure out to be able to move forward.

I do not believe I have an actual fear of success.  I think I have a fear of living up to the expectations that being successful at something can create.  I have worried too often about letting people down; as a result I have worked at lowering people’s expectations.  Thinking like that has got me absolutely nowhere; it has kept me right where I have been, treading water or backsliding. That is just not good enough.   For now on I want people to have high expectations for me.

Mostly, I want to have high expectations for myself.  I do not want to be one responsible for holding myself back; that is just plain old stupid.  I have potential, a lot of potential (hey I said that without cringing) and it is long overdue for me to start living up to that potential.  So if you read this I want you to have the highest possible expectations for me that you can have.  For me, I am no longer going to fear success; I am going to achieve it. From my point of view, the sky is the limit and I am just getting started.

 

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Starting Over, But First….

Posted on August 22, 2011 by

Starting over… I think I am overdue for starting over.  My thirties have not been my best years, falling somewhere between EPIC fail and near tragedy.  The only thing that has improved in this decade has been the closeness of our family.  My wife and our kids have always been close and going through tough times either rips you apart or makes you closer and we have become incredibly close and more resilient than ever.  Aside from that, my personal life and goals have either treaded water, going nowhere or in most cases they have gone backwards.  I am further from where I want to be with my goals than I was nine years ago.  I would like to turn the page on all of this and start over.  First though, to get it all out of my system I am going to list my biggest regrets over the past nine years and then forget about them and move forward.

Two months before my thirtieth birthday we were blessed with the birth of our daughter, our youngest.  We were living in Pennsylvania, about fifty miles north of Philly.  For some god damn reason we thought it would be in our families best interest to move back to the Western New York area so our children would be brought up surrounded by both our extended families.  So my wife and I quit our jobs.  Jobs that paid us very well and near the end of August we moved back to the city of my childhood.  That right there is my biggest regret and our biggest mistake.  We had great jobs, a beautiful Cape Cod home, an acre of land and not a neighbor within a quarter mile, it was perfect, but at the time we both missing our families.  This one regret snowballed into all the others.

As I said, we were making a decent amount of money in Pennsylvania, while in the Western New York area I was only able to find a job for seven dollars an hour and the same for my wife.  Eventually she found an office job and together we made enough to move out of my parents house, where we had living since moving back; about six months.  We found a house to rent; unfortunately it was right across from my in-laws (a slight regret- never move directly across from your in-laws.)  I lost my job and collected unemployment while trying to find another job.  I was not having any luck; I could not even get an interview.  This leads to the next set of regrets.

I became depressed, very depressed.  I looked like shit and my self-confidence was taking a beating.  I was angry most the time and I was not pleasant to be around.  My wife gave me an ultimatum, either see a psychiatrist or she and the children were leaving.  So I went to see a mindfucker and I was diagnosed as bipolar.  This first doctor, sucked big time, he just gave me some pills and told me nothing about bipolar disorder.  About a year later I saw another doctor.  This started me on the medication merry-go-round and for the next five years I was a hot fucking mess.  At one point I was taking two dozen pills a day.  All of these pills I was taking had some dramatic effects on me; like now my moods were constantly changing sometime several times a day, I gained over sixty pounds, my mind was complete and utter mush.  During this time I was put on permanent disability, not because of bipolar, but because of the effects from the pills. Eventually all the pills lead to some very serious side effect; vertigo and colitis among them.  The worst thing the pills did to me was they made me unable to feel, I was a flat line emotionally and I could not live like that.  One day, after spending a night in the hospital, I came home and flushed all my pills.   My regrets during this five year period- letting myself be a human guinea pig, not being an advocate for myself (I just kind of let this all happen), costing my wife a job she enjoyed, and how my medicine induced behavior affected my children.

The next regret happened during the five years of medicine.  The house we were living in across from my in-laws was small and we were a bedroom short.  When my daughter was a baby we shared our room with her and it was fine.  The day was coming that she would need her own room, so we started looking for a bigger place.  Through a parent at our son’s early education program we found a place.  One of the parents was moving out of a place and she was looking for someone to move in.  It was a big three bedroom house, with a fenced yard; it seemed perfect for our family.  It was even “rent to own” which we thought was the greatest thing in the world.  What “rent to own” really meant was, that anything that went wrong was our responsibility, no utilities were paid, and everything was on us.  This placed turned into a nightmare that has only gotten worse with time.  The next door neighbor is a certified nutjob and all around asshole.  We have been living here for almost seven years and his behavior has only gotten worse towards us.  This year alone, he called CPS on us (for no reason), had the city make us take our pool down, and tried to gets us in trouble with the dog warden.  We used to have friends in the neighborhood, but this year we just have not been as friendly.  In our hearts we know we are leaving this area and we just do not feel like faking it.  The regret here is that we moved into this house, into this neighborhood and it has at times been unbearable.

Next regret on the list- this one I somewhat have an excuse reason for, but a regret is a regret is a regret.  Two months after flushing all those pills and going from taking a lot pills to giving them up cold turkey I started going to college.  It was going great, at the midpoint of the semester my lowest grade was a ninety-two.  With about four weeks left I got one of those bad, pain in the ass head colds that makes your mind feel like sludge.  About two weeks later I got over the cold, but I fell behind and never caught up.  The funny thing is that it was the college composition that really threw me off.  I love writing; I had a ninety-eight in this class, but the research paper was killing me.  So with two weeks left I just stopped going.  Somehow I still passed my accounting class.  Because of those bad grades I am having trouble returning for my third semester, but hopefully I will get that straightened out this week.

A few regrets that are lifelong and ongoing- inability to finish things I start, taking on more than I can handle, setting unrealistic goals, being unorganized, letting circumstances control me instead of taking control of them… and I am sure many more.  Like every person I am a work in progress and still believe I have something good to offer.  My confidence has definitely been shaken, but not destroyed.  I will overcome myself, because at this point I can honestly say I have been the biggest obstacle to achieving my goals.

So the immediate goal is getting back into school and completing my degree.  The second goal is moving back to Pennsylvania, and getting a job.  Starting over will be easy, I am basically back at square one; I am letting go of my regrets and moving forward.  Going forward I am choosing happy and remaining positive.

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The Twelve Days of Chirstmas (Our Story)

Posted on July 19, 2011 by

Originally Published 12/2010

Last Christmas things were looking pretty decent for my family. My wife and I were both going to school, so we had some extra money for presents this year. Since I have been on disability, Christmas has been a struggle, but every year we have somehow (with help) managed to pull it off and give our kids a great Christmas. This year we were looking forward to being able to provide a great Christmas without the help, we even had enough to be able to buy for our parents and nieces and nephews. It was truly going to be an awesome Christmas. Sometimes though the reality exceeds the expectations and this was to be one of those times.

It was a Sunday night (the 12th of December), my wife was working until midnight and I had to pick her up. When we arrived back at the house, there was a wrapped basket with a card stuck in it, my wife and I both looked around, trying to figure out where it came from. We took the stuff inside to further inspect it. The envelope on the card read something to the effect of; Forget the partridge in the pear tree the cats chased it away. We were both looking at each other, like what the hell? Inside the card was written: Cats believe do you? A very merry Christmas. We take off the wrapping paper on the basket and see that it is filled with several cat toys and bags of kitty treats. So we are scratching our heads trying to figure out where this odd kitty gift basket came from. We end up concluding that it came from the crazy cat lady that lives around the corner from us; we have one of her cat’s kittens so it at least made sense.

The next day, it was in the evening, I happened to walk past the front door and noticed there was something on the porch. Opening the door I see another basket. I bring it in, the attached card says: On the second day of Christmas… Santa remembered… Two turtle doves. And he didn’t forget two special doggies. Merry Christmas! Opening the basket, it was filled and I mean filled with dog toys and treats. Now my wife and I and our children were really at a loss, but since it was sticking with an animal theme we still thought it was the cat lady.

Day three- sometime during the afternoon a card had been dropped off, it was in the mailbox, but had no postage so it had been hand delivered. Inside the card was written: On the third day of Christmas, Santa thought about ‘Three French Hens’! Santa decided that he prefers French Fries. Hope you do too! ~Enjoy~ Inside the card were three ten dollar Burger King cards and a fifty dollar Tim Horton’s (great coffee and doughnuts) card. Also, there was a handwritten letter, saying something along the lines of; bring this letter with you (to a local Pizza Hut) to receive two large pizzas with the toppings of your choice. We invite my parents over for dinner and go to Pizza Hut and get our pizzas.

Ok, so now what or should I say who is behind this, my wife and I have no idea. We both start posting about it on Facebook, trying to find out if anyone knew anything. None of our friends had any insight, but all pretty much came to the same conclusion we had reached; we were part of some twelve days of Christmas. We were starting to get excited as the gifts had gotten progressively better.

For me, personally, there was no day during the twelve that was better than day four. Late in the afternoon, around five, my dogs started barking, so without hesitation I ran to the front door and sure enough there were two large bags and another card. Going on to the porch I see a guy and his young daughter walking down the street, I yell thank you, he just turns and smiles and continues walking. I bring in the bags and set the card on the table. We take the bags into our room to check out what is inside. We discover it is filled with toys and we figure this is the day that the presents for the kids were being dropped off. Many of the toys seemed to be for an age group quite a bit younger then our children, but we just figured this is great, anything extra just makes for a better Christmas. After we had looked through both bags, my wife asked, “What did the card say?”

I shrugged and answered, “I don’t know, I set it on the table when I brought the bags to the room,” and we walk to the table and get the card, inside the card is written: Santa is aware of your family’s giving spirit. So in the spirit of the Christmas season, behold gifts for you to share with others in need of some Christmas cheer… Santa. At first we are both struck by the idea of trying to figure out whom to give these gifts to. Within moments we reach the conclusion that facebook would be the best way to find the person who could benefit most.

By now, several “friends” and family members had taken an interest and we both had stuff written on our walls asking what we had gotten for day four. We put up identical status’ saying what was written in the card and if anyone needed help or knew someone who did to send a message to the inbox and we could set something up. Within an hour my wife was talking on the phone to one of her friends, a single mother with shut-off notices, hours being cut at work, two weeks behind on her daycare payment and no plan for Christmas whatsoever. It was the perfect match and during the whole of the twelve days I was never more thankful then when we dropped of the presents at this girl’s apartment. It is something we would not have been able to do on our own and nothing can replace that feeling of good, knowing you had really, really helped save someone’s Christmas.

Day five- nothing came during the day and by now the whole family was anxiously waiting to see what would be next. Right about supper time there was a knock on the door. It was a delivery person with two large pizzas and chicken wings. We may not have invented pizza, but in Buffalo I think we have perfected it. He handed over the pizzas and said not to worry about it, it was taken care of, and he also gave me card. Inside the card was written: Santa knows that everyone loves a treat at Christmas. Since you’ve been extra good this year, here’s a treat for you. Santa.

Day six- from this day forward we pretty much knew who had set this up for us, but it is my belief that they wished to remain anonymous and so they shall. Anyway, on day six the Fire Department stopped at our house. They had a card that read: One the Sixth Day of Christmas… Santa’s magical geese laid a lot more than eggs. Luckily, we have friends in the Fire Department to help with the delivery. They brought about a month’s worth of meat and about two-three weeks worth of groceries. Our cupboards were stuffed. Day six also brought some ill tidings.

At a Christmas function earlier in the day, I had run into a former friend, I would say at one time a best friend. I had heard rumors, but given how my Christmas was going I tried to ignore those rumors and take him at face value. I invited him, his wife and their children over. While we sat around drinking coffee and catching up I told them all about the Twelve Days of Christmas. My wife never really seemed comfortable with them, me I just tried to ignore my most basic instinct which was screaming this person is bad. I am not going to go into great detail on this, let’s just say he duped me, I wanted to be nice and be trusting (neither of which are my strong suit.)

Day seven- nothing had come during the day and I had to pick up my wife at midnight. When we got home there was an old bowling ball bag with a bowling ball and a letter inside. The letter entitled us to a free afternoon of bowling and pizza at a local bowling alley.

Day eight- this was another one of my favorite days. We were visited by the police. A police woman dropped off one large basket and one medium sized basket and a card. The card read: You have the right to a Merry Christmas. Anything you say can and will be relayed directly to Santa Claus. You have the right to speak to an Elf. If you do not know an elf, just check out this gift… because the elves know you. Both the baskets were filled with lotions and bath stuff and things like lip gloss. Also, there were two certificates for a day at the spa for my wife and daughter. One other funny thing about this day, the police woman who had dropped off the stuff, had slightly pointy ears and my daughter was convinced she was an elf.

Day nine- this was the oddest day. Sometime after dinner there was a commotion outside and going to door there were several young ladies in dance outfits. They had a large sign that read something like, for the boys on ninth day of Christmas nine ladies dancing. They sang and brought clothes for the boys and me. I was most impressed by the fact these girls were wearing their dance outfits, it’s Buffalo in December, it was freezing out, they did a great job.

Day ten- since I turn into a cookie monster at this time of year, this was another good day for me. We got a humungous tray of cookies and other treats, along with a printed out poem that read:

On the Tenth day of Christmas,

 

Ten Lords were a’ leapin’ for some sweet treats

 

From Mrs. Claus’ Kitchen.

 

Here are ten kinds of cookies and candies

 

Made especially for you by Mrs. Claus.

 

Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

Being the ultimate insider,

 

Mrs. Claus has this advice for you:

 

 

 

 

Be ready on Thursday,

 

At the hour of eight,

 

Have a camera ready

 

As you watch and you wait.

 

 

 

 

A special treat is coming

 

This 24th of December

 

Mrs. Claus knows that it will be

 

A night to remember.

 

 

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Day eleven- Christmas Eve. By this day we were kind of freaking out. Dreaming big, but trying to remain grounded in reality. What should we expect to be arriving at eight? We invited my parents over to exchange presents and so they could also be there to see what went down. At around eight there is a knock on the door, opening it there stood before me Santa Claus. There are people who put on a Santa suit and act like Santa Claus, but this WAS Santa Claus standing at my door, he had a female elf with him. Then at the end of the driveway a guy started playing Amazing Grace on the bagpipes. Personally, I am not much of a fan of bagpipes (sounds like a dying animal) but this dude is standing at the end of driveway, wearing a kilt and playing bagpipes and it so damn cold out that I am surprised his pipes haven’t frozen, I was impressed.

After the bagpipe performance Santa comes in and he asks to see a special little girl. My daughters eyes light up and she goes over and sits right on Santa’s lap. He tells her how he heard that she has been an extra good girl this year and that he wanted to hand deliver a special gift to her. He gives it to her and tells her she can open it. Opening it she screams with delight, it is the one gift she wanted more than anything else. Before Santa left he gave me a large box and said it was for me to open and I could open it tonight. The box was one of those boxes inside boxes; on each box was a little note. It went through all our animals and children and my wife (sounding like it could be gift for each person) ultimately ending with me. In the final box there was a letter stating that our gas bill had been paid for the next several month and in Buffalo having your gas bill paid for during the winter months is a great gift.

About an hour after my parents left my wife gets a text (from the person we know set this up) asking if we had gotten the gifts that were on the side of the house. So we go outside. Alongside the house there are several big black garbage bags. As we bring them in we are both repeatedly saying, “Wow” “Oh my god!” and “There’s more?” All told there were twelve bags filled with gifts. As I start taking them out to place them around the tree, separating them by name, I notice that some have my wife’s name and my name and I say to my wife, “We have gifts to open,” and I do a little happy dance. Long ago we stopped buying for each other; our gift was our children’s happiness as they opened their presents.

Day twelve- Christmas morning. After adding the presents that we had bought, well let’s just say it was beyond impressive. The children wake up early and ALL of us open our presents. Every one of us feels so incredibly grateful for everything that had been done for us. It strengthened my belief in humanity. Most people have beliefs, in religions and Gods, but it comes down to people choosing to do something good and all the people involved in our twelve days of Christmas chose to do something good. We will never forget that Christmas and it will be our goal to someday help out a family in the same way.

Most memorable moments- In their own words.

My eight year old daughter- “I loved the end so, so much when I got Little Big Planet from Santa and I got to see him. Also, there were so many presents under the tree. My mom and I got a trip to the spa. It was the best Christmas of my life.”

My eleven year old son- “My favorite part of the twelve days of Christmas was the anticipation. You never knew what was next. Once it was pizza, then a bunch of presents (yaa.) As you can see I loved the twelve days of Christmas.”

My fifteen year old son- “The bagpiper was pretty cool, also Santa coming and talking to my sister was neat.”

My wife- “Day four was my favorite, being able to help my friend was the best. Also Christmas eve, finding out our gas bill was paid was awesome. Of course all the clothes I got were great as well. Staring at our Christmas tree, with all the wrapped gifts surrounding our living room, was like something I have never seen before. Just sitting there in awe, feeling extremely impatient for the kids to get up and see this for themselves!! The whole entire experience was amazing for everyone in our family!! I can’t wait until I am able to afford to do this for a family, so they may have this wonderful experience!!”

UPDATE- 7/01/11

This year we will be helping out, we will be elves this year, helping in any way they need.  We are really looking forward to being able to give back and help the whatever family is chosen.

Me- it was definitely day four. The experience as a whole renewed my faith in humanity.

That is our story of the Twelve Days of Christmas. Merry Christmas and have a happy new year!

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Dreams

Posted on July 5, 2011 by

Dreams, everyone has dreams, right?  I do not dream all that often, maybe two or three dreams that I can remember each year.  They are always colorful and there seems to constantly be a point that I just cannot grasp and when I am just about to figure it out I wake up.  Maybe I just sleep too soundly to remember more of my dreams, I mean I do like dreams, but my memories of them are so far and so few.  These aren’t the type of dreams that I am thinking of today, though; instead I am thinking about dreams as in things you desire.

I have forgot how to dream, for too long, what I have (which isn’t a lot) has been enough and the dreams I allowed myself were more like unrealistic fantasies.  Truthfully, they were just things I wanted that I never believed would be attainable, when I thought of them there was always a mocking laugh accompanying them.  That’s the difference between people that do and those that merely think, those that think and do make their dream a goal, while those that just think most often never believe in the idea and just go onto the next thought.  That has been me, thinking thoughts never believing in them or setting goals to accomplish them.  That is no longer good enough; I must be able to rise above any and all circumstances.

The thing I dream most of for myself, the thing, aside from my family, I am most passionate about is writing, I want to be a writer.  With that in mind I am right now setting a goal of having at least the first draft of Destination Dayton done before the end of the summer.  I am more than half through it and the second half is the quicker, more fun part of the story.  I already know that I am going to change it A LOT in the second and third and fourth and so on drafts.  I will write as it happened, third person and when it comes time to re-write I might change it to first person and play with the timeline, using flashbacks to set up the current situation a little better.  So there is my first goal and it is easily attainable.

It is the next step in the process that gets me every time; sustaining the belief in the idea/goal when things don’t go right.  In this case it will be a matter of just writing and not talking myself out of writing (easy to do.)  I lived the story I know every stop along the way, it’s as simple as writing it down.  To accomplish this I realistically only need to average a thousand words a day and I know some writers write a thousand words in less than an hour.  I am not yet a writer and would be thrilled to average any number of words per day.  I must also remember that accomplishing this goal does not achieve the dream; it is just one step on the path towards the larger goal, the dream of being a writer.

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Flip You

Posted on June 9, 2011 by

My muse does not amuse me, it taunts and deceives me, and it lies hidden when I need it the most.  I know I am not even supposed to believe in a muse, they are mythical beast made up to torment the mind of writers the world over.  Yet I know my muse, I can tell when I am under its hypnotic spell, the words flow freely from my fingers, tap tap tap on the keyboard.  My muse has many names, it can be a person or a project I am working on or it could just be some grand idea.  Whatever it is, it inspires me.  It can be so fleeting though, or maybe I just can’t control it the way real writers are able to.  Its likely appearance is as fickle as a coin flip, heads or tails, fifty-fifty!

That is the thing; the muse is meant to tease and delight, but at the same time it can never be possessed.  It loses its creative energy when it is overcome by the one it inspires or at least it has in my experience.  No two people will have the same exact experience, they may be similar, but there will always be differences.  Ultimately, the muse must be something I will always want, but never have.  It is the chase towards the unknown that inspires, that is the strength of the muse.  Sometimes it gets too far ahead of me and changes its appearance; eventually I recognize it for what it is and continue the chase.  It is those times when the muse is absent that I must look and try my hardest.

When the muse is away I must be able to trust my instincts, whether with writing or life in general.  My instincts do not always serve my best interest, and while I would like to think that that I can trust my instincts at least fifty percent of the time, experience may not bear that out. There is always flipping a coin.  Let heads be yes and tails be no and let decisions be made with a likely better outcome then if I were to put a thoughtful guess into it.  Really aren’t most decisions just thoughtful guesses?  I think I know this, that and everything else only to realize later that I didn’t know this or that about anything.  I am not suggesting that this happens all the time, but I would be willing to bet it occurs with more frequency then most will admit to.

The muse is too fickle to be counted on, and experience shows my instincts are not always to be trusted; maybe flipping a coin is the best option.  When I look over the results of some of my choices/decision I honestly believe the overall number of positive outcomes would have been better with the flip of a coin.  It literally takes all the guess work out, it’s either heads or tails- do I talk to this person (heads)or that person (tails)­- heads it is, okay I am talking to this person.  Do you see how easy that is? You never look back, once the flip decision has been made there is no second guessing.  Maybe, going forward I will let all my decisions be made by coin flip, starting with this one.

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